He Called Me a Name !

We hear it every single day, usually multiple times.  Right?

Half the time it’s just children doing what they always do when it comes to conflict, get an adult involved.  Why?  Because that’s part of the game!   It’s half the fun!   ( That kids automatically involve adults is a topic for an entirely separate blog post.)

So, what do you do?  You know the drill.
You go over and say, “She says you called her a name.”
And how many times has this happened to you?
“Yes, right after she stepped on my foot!”  (Twice I’ve heard that in 15 years, at least! Now who is the bully?   In fact, my very definition of ‘bully’ starts, not with mean behavior but with those who hide behind rules while flagrantly breaking them by themselves – kids and adults.)
YOU:        “Okay, what should you say?”
NAME CALLER:  “Sorry.”  (with varying degrees of sincerity)
“NAME CALLEE:”  “That’s okay.”
and everyone is fine.

I’m often amazed at how quickly a child is willing to let go of seemingly grievous emotional injury which proves that kids are expert adult manipulators.

Then all is fine.

….  for the next two minutes.
Until the cycle starts all over with another child.

Sometimes, before I go over and intervene I ask, “What would you do if I wasn’t here?”  Which truly concerns me because our job can’t just be protecting, it must be teaching the skills to cope or we leave them with nothing.

While it’d be great to teach conflict resolution, which is hard and complex, we need a way to teach children, they don’t have to be hurt.  They don’t have to be the victim.   We need to show them there is more than one option than choosing to let it bother you.

This is a fun way to teach a child to turn the tables, to not just ignore, but to adopt a superior attitude.

You could do the usual lecture.  Which you know isn’t going to prevent a damn thing.  Because one can’t ignore without the tools the ignore.  If the name caller gets the last word, they have won.

Show, teach, model, how to switch the attitude around. I make sure I draw a lot of attention.  This is easiest place for these lessons when the name calling happens when lining up, which it frequently does, carry over from problems at recess.

CHILD to you:  ”  ____ called me a name!”
YOU:  “Well, you know what you have to do….”
Then I take their arm gently and extend it while saying something like, “But who cares what they think?  Are they better than you?”  To which they will never say yes, of course that person isn’t better.

Then do a full body model of the “What… ever.. talk the hand” stance.  Make it fun, the opposite of serious.
YOU: “You have to roll your head, roll your eyes hard, and make that disgusted sound, “ugh!”  You know…  like you have something stuck in your throat.  Then, with as much attitude as you can muster just say, ‘What……. (the pause is essential)  ever!  (The grating tone is also essential.)    Talk to the hand  ‘cuz the ears don’t care. ‘ (or ‘..the face isn’t listening.’  or ‘…the ears at recess.’) ”

Children invariably smile when they see the utility of this attitude.  They sense the power of it.  They get it, even if they still won’t always do it. They will start to try or start to think about trying.   Keep it up every time a child comes to you.  Soon students will even brag to you that they did it, They even show off how they did it which is every bit as gratifying as teaching regrouping.

Does any of this mean you won’t condemn name callers?  Of course not, especially when a child laughs at another or says something rude during class.  Teaching niceness and socializing children is half of the job of teacher.  Teaching that rudeness deserves scorn and a bit of condescension can’t be bad.

Someone could argue for a more loving approach such as, “I’m so sorry you have to insult me to feel better about yourself.”  But, that’s pretty advanced.  This is a good starting place for 2nd graders because it’s fun and not returning the name calling with more of the same.

It’s hard to break their bad habit of manipulating an adult to do their thinking. Having an adult step in must give a great sense of power which explains why they do it so often.  Somewhere, at the bottom of the list of motivations for involving and adult is actually hurt feelings.  With this you attitude we teach children to get self esteem and power from within.  That’s a lesson they can use their entire lives.  Finding power and strength from within is just as important a thing to teach as math or language.  It’s one more reason to enjoy the difference we can have on a child’s attitude forever as a teacher.